By OA Member, August 2024
Hi, my name is Danielle and I’m a recovered compulsive overeater, but not cured.
I have been abstinent from my trigger foods and behaviours for 2yrs now, and have maintained a healthy bodyweight for almost a year and a half. My highest weight would have been 23 stone [146 kilos} and my lowest would have been 10 stone [63 Kilos] Most of my life I would have been either eating compulsively or dieting compulsively.
I always had a sweet tooth from as far back as I can remember. My pocket money and babysitting money would always go on sweets. From an early age the eating would have been done in isolation. Sugar always seemed to soothe the separateness I felt as a child. Luckily I was involved in sports, that kept the weight somewhat at bay, but I was still carrying excess weight. My first diet was at 17yrs of age. I lost three and a half stone [22 kilos]to look good on my first holiday abroad.
In my early twenties, an unexpected sporting opportunity came my way which involved living abroad for six years. That stage of my life is where the disease of compulsive overeating began to manifest. I was very much living the dream on the surface, but underneath were emotions of loneliness and being homesick. Not long after a healthy meal I would find myself eating again, sometimes on food that wouldn’t ordinarily interest me. Then as time went on I found I couldn’t stop eating sugary foods and the weight began to pile on. Over the next few years the horrific weight gain began to affect every area of my life.
I longed to find a partner, but each failed attempt just left me feeling rejected, fat, lonely and unworthy. Of course I retreated back into the only comfort I had ever known. The food was always there. It was instant gratification and it worked for a while. But as the weight began to pile on and it became harder to carry around, feelings of guilt and self loathing would quickly take away the short lived high that sugar once provided.
I began dieting and realised I had pretty good willpower. I managed to loose eight stone [50 kilos] over a 2yr period, but the success was short lived. As soon as I began to eat my trigger foods, i.e. sugar mainly, the weight began to pile on again. This was to begin a rollercoaster journey of yo yo diets that usually ended in more weight gain.
After loosing quite a bit of weight to fit into my wedding dress, I found myself over eating on the first day of our honeymoon. That was to continue for the next couple of years as I sought to bury the feelings of an unhappy marriage. When the pain of life got too hard to bear, I numbed myself with food. I didn’t want to feel the feelings so I shoved them back down as far as I could. Then I would try to muster the last remaining bit of willpower I had to try yet another diet.
In my forties, divorced and living alone, at my highest weight of 23 stone [146 kilos] most nights were spent by the fire with the curtains pulled, lights off and disconnected from the world. Binging was no longer a choice, it had become a necessity. I made all kinds of promises not to binge, but the compulsion was so overwhelming, I was powerless over it. All the willpower I displayed in my early years of dieting was gone out the window. This debilitating disease had me in its grips.
When I found myself in the rooms of Overeaters Anonymous [OA] I learned firstly that I wasn’t alone. Other people were also unable to stop binging. Some members restricted, some threw up, some over exercised but we all had one thing in common, an unhealthy relationship with food and an inability to control it. OA caught my attention because it was completely different than any other weight loss method I had used previously. OA taught me that weight wasn’t my problem, neither was food my problem. What I have is an allergy of the body and a mental twist of the mind. Once I ingest certain trigger foods, my body has an allergic reaction and I crave more, the same way an alcoholic craves alcohol. Most people who have overindulged become uncomfortable and stop eating, the opposite happens to me, I crave more.
I would love to say that shortly after joining OA my problem was solved, but that was not the case. OA follows the same 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was suggested I get a sponsor and begin working the steps. As I worked my way through the steps I realised that what I had was an emotional illness. I used food to shove down the feelings of anger, resentment, fear and the pain of loneliness. I also celebrated with food. It dominated every area of my life. When I put the food down I began to feel the feelings for the first time in my life. That was hard. It took courage, but it was ok because I had began to develop a relationship with a power that was greater than myself. I learned one simple truth, that on my own I was completely powerless against this disease of compulsive eating and in order to recover, I needed to find some concept of a power that’s greater than me. Because OA is not a religious organisation, I could call that power anything I wanted. I choose to call it God.
I continued going to meetings, but I found relapse had become a big part of my journey. I changed sponsors and worked the steps again, each time uncovering more of an understanding about myself and this disease. The food would be in its place for a while, but there were many relapses along the way. I became so frustrated after many years in OA, why couldn’t I get it? Every time I relapsed, the binging was worse than the previous time. This disease is progressive and it continues to progress whether I’m in the food or not.
Finally I hit my rock bottom. The last binge frightened the life out of me. After 17yrs in OA I just couldn’t believe the power the compulsion had over me, the food was worse than it had ever been. I was as powerless as the first day I came in the doors of OA. I realised some radical changes had to be made. After making contact with some recovered members, I realised that long-term recovery was possible. I wanted to know what they did to get recovered and what are they doing now to keep it?
If I wanted what they had I needed to become rigorously honest and be open to change. For me that meant letting go of a loving sponsor and becoming open to hearing another voice. It also meant going to different meetings, but most importantly, it meant developing a new attitude. I needed to let go of everything I thought I knew about OA, everything I thought I knew about the programme and everything I thought I knew about myself. It also meant letting go of certain trigger foods I had been holding on to. It turned out I was drip feeding my disease all along by holding onto them. When I put the trigger foods down entirely and began to work the steps with a completely new attitude, everything changed. I also realised that another reason for the relapses was a failure to enlarge my spiritual life.
My new sponsor took me through the steps quickly and I experienced the spiritual awakening necessary to arrest this disease of compulsive eating one day at a time. It was a complete transformation. Soon after that I began sponsoring and carrying the message to others. I’ve moved away from selfishness and isolation and have made some genuine friendships both in and outside of OA. The steps taught me how to grow up and become a responsible adult. I now realise that a lot of my problems were of my own making. Relationships that were lost or strained have now become healthy again as I have learned to accept my part in things. My physical health has improved tremendously. For the first time in my life I have reached and maintained a healthy body weight and the correct BMI for my age. The best part of living in recovery is the peace of mind it brings. For today the compulsion has been removed and I absolutely take no credit for that.
In the first line of this story I call myself a recovered compulsive overeater, but not cured. I will always be a compulsive overeater, but living in recovery means I don’t eat my trigger foods or act out in unhealthy behaviours one day at a time. There is no cure for addiction, but what I get is a daily reprieve. The relapses I experienced taught me that this daily reprieve is very much dependent on my spiritual fitness and my ability to be rigorously honest. I need to do the work. Life can still be hard at times, but the difference now is that I accept my powerlessness, and I humbly hand my worries over to a power that is so much greater than me, God.
