Amy’s story: True Story Living Recovery

Getting clean at 19 years old was a shock. I’m still amazed by this gift I got: to be clean, to be alive, and to thrive, thanks to joining Narcotics Anonymous. I’m an addict. My name is Amy. Until I found NA, I had no idea I had a disease and that there were other people all over the world that knew what I was suffering from and how they could help me. I know that I’m not the only one who experienced trauma growing up and I also know it’s not a prerequisite to becoming an addict. I grew up in a very affluent city but always felt inferior and inadequate in comparison to my peers. I was never good enough at anything. I was scared to fail so I struggled and gave more than 100 percent to anything I did. This was a pattern while I was growing up, in school, in sports, in friendships. I never fully exposed myself because of the fear of rejection or abandonment. Some of the trauma I experienced as a child was the catalyst to the self-harm I afflicted on myself and the start of my drug abuse. I survived trauma by self-harming and experimenting with drugs during my freshman year at high school. Drugs became the thing that saved me from myself for a period of time. When I used to the point of oblivion, I wasn’t thinking about killing myself until the disease began to consume my whole life. My school work was affected, my opportunities go to a good university and my dreams of being an Olympic water polo player were slowly being sucked away from me. I didn’t suffer from many external or obviously unmanageable signs of addiction. I manipulated, justified, rationalized, and talked my way out of the concerns voiced by my family and the school psychologist. My disease has always been present, sneaky, and internally unmanageable. The low self-esteem, the utter desperation to find a new way to live but not knowing there is anything out there, not knowing about the therapeutic value of one addict helping another. The fear, the isolation, the lost dreams, the helplessness and hopelessness, and the sickening state of denial. I was lost and I was scared, but then I got a beam of hope. I was introduced to NA through rehab, and my first NA meeting was the most important day of my life. I arrived at the meeting and got a very loving and welcoming hug from a member who had no clue who I was. Their embrace brought life back to my very being. That hug was to me, as our Basic Text says, “…a simple loving hug can make all the difference in the world when we feel alone”. Coming into NA, my spirit was awakened. I got to escape my self-made prison, and one of the greatest gifts was knowing that I would never be alone, never again. My clean date is April 20th, 2008. Some of the highlights of my recovery include being able to celebrate my 21st birthday clean, not going to a bar, and not even having the desire to use during this American ‘rite of passage’. Being given a Free Hugs sign in 2010 at NCCNA changed my life. I had crossed the invisible line and had decided that I wanted more than surface-level recovery – I dove headlong into working the steps and had the opportunity to explore different levels of service. I became more involved in our program and how I could contribute. Service at the group, area/subcommittee, and regional levels has been crucial to my recovery. All the various tasks and positions I’ve served have made me more dedicated to working my steps and has fueled my enthusiasm to be a member of NA. The process of working the steps has transformed my life from a tired, desperate, lonely, broken little girl to the strong, courageous, exuberant and, for the most part, selfless woman I am today and am continuing to grow into. Everything I have today is because of NA. I work on maintaining an equal balance between attending meetings, being in conscious contact with my Higher Power, working the steps with my sponsor, and the privilege to sponsor other members, building a support group, and continuously serving this incredible fellowship.